2020. That year in the History books which we will tell our children, “Yes, I survived that”.

19/03/20

Hi. My name is Ophelia and I’m doing a… thing.

Cuppa in hand (tick).

Heated blanket on (tick)

Cat sat on laptop not letting me type (tick).

Breathe.

I have wanted to do this for a long time but have always been “too busy” (AKA anxious, uninspired, too obsessed with showtunes and drinking Aperol Spritz) to do it. But I’ve had a really powerful, quite intense urge to document life at this moment. So here goes. I don’t really think this is a blog, more like a diary that I’m sharing with the world to engage in further discussions and inspiration (because man you guys are awesome and inspire me greatly – THANK YOU) but let’s see…

There are 3 reasons to this sudden change of heart (3 is my favourite number):

1.) I had a flashback recently to about 5 years ago when on my birthday a lovely palm reader on Bognor beach told me I’m going to write a children’s book one day, so I thought - maybe I should start practicing.

2.) I had a perfectly good (rather beautiful in fact) sequin notebook which I was going to write in to document all the happenings to do with the coronavirus. However, we are now on day 7 of things getting really in-your-face serious, and that is a lot to write about. Knowing myself, I would want to write everything and not miss something out and when I get passionate about something I tend to write really quickly, and those that know me understand that my handwriting doesn’t need to get any more illegible.

3.) There is so much in my head right now that I think it will be super helpful to unload (or in this case, upload) that for a sec.

I came to understand the power and beauty of keeping a diary last year when I was on a cruise. I am a very spiritual person and I believe heavily in the magic ways of the Universe. In October 2018 I was in Italy with my Mum, a holiday I treated her for, for her birthday. On her actual birthday, which was a truly magical day full of celebration, love and hope, I stumbled on a 2019 diary in a gorgeous art shop, which I fell in love with. Later sitting at a bar, (Aperol Spritz in hand of course) gazing into the water filling out some details into this diary for the upcoming year, without even thinking I wrote: “2019, the year of my Cruise adventure”. OK. So I’m not saying here that one should write things down and then the universe magically makes it happen. We all know it doesn’t work like that. However, I am saying, if you truly trust your self and have faith in what you want and what is right for your life, why not write it down. Then it’s a thing… right?!

Anyhow… low and behold, January 2019 I was successful and I obtained a contract to be working as a vocalist as part of a show team onboard a cruise! JACKPOT. So I made damn sure I wrote in that diary every day, for this year that I fought and worked so hard for. And what a year it was. Now I have all those stupid little things documented that mean a lot when it’s happening, but when it’s over you don’t really remember it. That is exactly what I want to do here. I feel like this is something positive that can help me survive this tricky time and hopefully something I’ll look back on and “not really remember” yet be so proud how we all overcame this.

I apologise in advance if any of this sounds a bit whiney or unthinking but, yolo, it’s my diary.

Coronavirus has been bubbling away for a little while now and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought “It’s shit and I want to pray for all these unfortunate people but this isn’t going to affect me”. Oh damn, how short sighted of me.

As a Musical Theatre enthusiast and performer, it really hit me in the bejeebers when a week ago (12th March) New York announced the closure of Broadway. I don’t like watching news, much to my mum’s disgust, but that was my bait and now I’m hooked.

Obviously, I was aware of everything that was going on, a lot of my friends around the world had gone into lockdown, Italy, France, Philippines… and I was worried but I was covering myself in this little positive bubble wrap STILL thinking, it won’t affect me. Please tell me, you felt this too?

The events which unraveled from here have just blown my mind. And don’t even get my started on the empty vegetable isles and lack of toilet paper in the supermarkets…

When Boris ‘advised’ on Tuesday that all theatres, cinemas, cafes, social gatherings, sports gatherings, visiting my awesome elderly neighbor and ALL THE BLOODY BEST THINGS IN LIFE should stop or close, I thought my world was crumbling down in front of my eyes. And then the biggest bomb (for me) was hit. “We advise all UK nationals against all non-essential travel for 30 days”. Not only has my next dream job venture of working onboard a cruise been taken away for 2 months because of Mr. Covid-19, but now all vices of my escapism have been stripped too. My body wanted to SCREAM. As an actor, I have engrained into myself to ‘allow’ to feel things and truly experience the emotion in that moment, and at that moment the sensations going through my body were like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Pure heat rising from my gut to my head, speechless, wanting to scream but having this big fat hairy hand clamping my mouth shut, salt water running out of my eyes and a squeezing pain like I haven’t experienced in a long time in my heart. Ok, now this is serious.

I woke up the next morning heartbroken that my trip of a lifetime is most likely not going to happen. I had planned to go backpacking in Bali. A dream I have always wanted to fulfil but never felt confident doing. Feeling tired and bogged down by life with a challenging start to 2020, my creativity dwindling and uninspired, finally, the time had come, everything aligned and I had an urge that now really is the right time to do this. After spending 3 years working abroad in various jobs and countries, I was so ready to experience travelling on my own terms. 7 years ago I was lucky to undergo my first proper ‘travelling experience’ at the age of 18. I travelled to Thailand to visit my brother who had been living out there for 4 years. I missed him so much. This was a holiday to really get to know my big bro and make him proud of the woman I’ve become. Gosh, didn’t it change my life! I know everyone experiences similarly and says that, “I went travelling and it MOULDED ME” or “I went travelling and I REALLY FOUND MYSELF”… but it is kinda true (ashamed hands in face). This trip not only showed me how little did I know of the world around me, but also how much more I wanted to grow myself. And so my love for travel was born and I’ve been accidentally seeking it ever since.

After spending 8 months on a cruise ship (a small cabin with 2 body bags full of way too many things) and also moving in and out of London, I was so sick of STUFF. So, stumbling over a backpack that I bought 3 years ago for a festival, I looked at it and said “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED”.

Those who know me, know that I love to overpack. I think it’s my little safety blanket and I always bring far too much everywhere. Mary Poppins and her kitchen sink eat your heart out, kind of overpack. If having to unpack your suitcase in the middle of Heathrow, with all your future cast mates that you’re due to spend 3 weeks with in Dubai (which I didn’t really know yet) alongside a whole row of holiday-goers lining up ready to check in their luggage doesn’t make you change your ways, I don’t know what will! SO… Best friend in hand, another special friend willing to pop over from the Philippines to share some adventures with me, auditions quite chilled at the moment… I BOOKED MY TICKET. Gah, how spontaneous of me yaaaaah. 2 weeks later. It’s 3 weeks until flight date, toiletries are mounted into smaller tubs, mosquito preventing bracelets bought and bag literally packed (after reading about 1000 blogs on how to backpack and getting advise from many friends), watching my adventure slowly crumble in my hands really killed my mojo.

And then I REALLY woke up. This is a f*cking pandemic. People have lost their lives. People are having to deal with the unimaginable pain and grief of losing loved ones to this. People are isolated and alone, really and truly being pushed out of their comfort zones.

I sat on my bed and I thought. And I reeeeally thought. Why? Why is this happening?

So, I definitely am no scientist, and certainly wouldn’t want to inflict my opinions on anyone but I really think someone, somewhere is trying to tell us something here.

The following is where my confused and emotional brain decided to take me on that dark morning:

This pandemic began in an animal market. Do we think this is the universe trying to tell us that we need to step up this vegan hype and start respecting animals much more than we do, on a much wider scale?

Is this mother nature warning us that if we don’t change our ways we are going to be wiped out?

Is this a sign that we all need to stop for a second, take check and start being much kinder to each other?

As a Buddhist (more on that at a later date) I have trained myself to see value in every situation. And this sure is a challenging situation.

Then I remembered my favourite quote:

“I never lose. I either win, or I learn” – Nelson Mandela

OK, so I’ve lost my adventure, I’ve lost my chance to spend time and create some awesome memories with 2 of my favourite people abroad, I’ve lost the platform (as I have known it in the past) to perform and obtain my dream jobs, but I know for sure ‘THIS TOO SHALL PASS’.

I walked down the stairs to my amazing mum who I am able to spend every day with, a luxury we haven’t had for a while, a cat who can’t get enough of me and to top it off humanity is glowing like I’ve never seen it before.

On the door mat is a letter from a stranger. “Hi, My name is Hayley, I live at number 87. Here is my number if you need any shopping, proscriptions picking up, letters posted, a friendly chat – give me a call!”. On the radio I’m hearing Italians singing ‘Volare’ at the top of their lungs on their balconies. On the TV I’m watching a personal trainer in Spain stand in the middle of the street whilst his surrounding flat mates copy him doing a workout in their living rooms.

People are winning every single day. And sharing those wins. And this is frigging awesome.

In my lifetime, I never thought I would experience anything as isolating, uncertain and terrifying as this, but you know what… GOOD IS COMING OUT OF IT.

A friend sent me a guidance from our Buddhist journal and it slotted everything into place for me. “At a crucial moment it is the strength and courage of ordinary people who have no name or position in society that save the day”.

A whole load of groups have been spiraling on facebook, twitter, whatsapp and I am feeling the most inspired, creative and AWAKE than I have in the last few months!

I now have a reason to tackle all those things that I have been “too busy” to focus on and positivity is bubbling up inside of me again.

· I’ve been upcycling my wardrobe. I really want to stop buying and wasting so much stuff (If I failed to mention already I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF). In a world where we are trying to reduce plastic and landfill, I really want to do my bit to help mother nature and our world to love us again. So I have been darting my skirts (totally don’t know how to do that but just improvising – why the heck not, if it goes wrong I’ve got all the time to fix it again!), adding funky buttons to old coats, turning ribbons into hair bows, tightening straps on dresses that have got loose with wear and turning basic workout tops into something a bit more jazzy (such as a criss cross back!).

· I’ve been watching my friends post songs, monologues, showreels and ukulele recordings and been so inspired – I’ve picked my ukulele up again and started to learn some new chords.

· I’ve been watching documentaries on Netflix about our food industry and how some of the strongest and fittest people in the world are Vegans. (Game Changers, Forks over Knives and much more). I want to find the power inside me to go back to being a Vegan (more on that at a later date).

· I’ve been practicing my Italian again and learning Indonesian (I WILL make it to Bali soon).

· I’ve started a 21 day detox alongside my old flat mates (v. inspiring women love you both – more on that at a later date).

· I’ve researched into how to survive as a Self-Employed artist when shit hits the creek (is that even a saying I don’t even know or is it ‘Shit hits the fan’ or ‘up shit creek’ – well whatever it is IT IS NOT GOOD) and found out so many awesome things that I would never have been urged to consider (more on that at a later date).

· I’ve started putting together new Cabarets and ideas for when I get on the cruise (more on that at a later date!!)

· I’ve completed Joe Wicks (The Body Coach) 7 days of sweat. OH MY GOSH do it, it gave me life.

· I’ve started warming up my voice everyday and meeting some amazing and inspiring people online within the community who are willing to share their time and positivity. Check this wonderful woman out! (Thank you Rachel!)

· I have allowed myself time to reflect and indulge in my faith by studying and meditating more.

· I finally have plucked up the courage to try out my new moon cup. Girls who have used it, HUGE RESPECT, girls who haven’t tried it – I hugely recommend it, I know it’s going to be a game changer. Guys who have no idea what I’m talking about – be grateful you don’t have periods. (More on that at a later date).

· I’ve been able to facetime loads of people that I haven’t been able to catch up with lately and I feel so very grateful to have all these amazing humans in my life.

WOAH. Even just typing that out makes my so unbelievably happy.

Even in a time where things are so unknown, I KNOW I’m going to look back on this and be grateful for this time to stop and reconnect with things outside of my everyday life.

Basically. What I’m trying to say here is, I know it’s shit. It’s scary, frustrating, heartbreaking and life destroying and we are all suffering in one way or another. But under all that darkness, fearfulness and uncertainty we are learning to turn poison into medicine. We are strong. We are built for challenges and we can get through this.

Thank you to you all for coping and sharing your wins and bringing light into my day. Let’s all keep sparkling in any way we know how, enjoy some time doing you and know “WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER” (sorry, just had to get a show quote in there somewhere).

So for now, that is my diary entry. I really hope that this urge to write and be open will continue. Please feel free to message me any comments about this, how your feeling in the situation or even just to chat about life (or show tunes, whatever floats your boat).

Keep safe, keep strong and keep washing your hands.

Now before any more negativity dares to come out of my mouth, my cat is telling me it’s time to sign off.

Lots of love until the next time,

Your positive potato x